Cowardly Little Christian

You know what? I am human. I SHOULD trust the Good Lord, I SHOULD rest in him, I SHOULD have faith that HE will meet all my needs....but, I think about the good, the faithful, the trusting who have been tortured, imprisoned and murdered for their beliefs. This is not for the faint of heart. There is no in between. There is no middle ground. In many, many places you WILL be persecuted, you will be imprisoned...you will be KILLED for calling on The Name of JESUS. You will be attacked and smeared, your reputation will be ground into the gutter, your sanity questioned, your integrity laughed at, your faith....tested like never before.

satan isn't here to be your friend. he doesn't want to just bother you, annoy you, cause your computer to crash, your cell phone to drop calls or you to misplace your keys. HE WANTS TO KILL YOU BEFORE YOU ARE SAVED BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. And, if he can't do that, he wants to make your life miserable. he wants to make you THINK that he is the biggest, scariest, worst thing that can happen to you. But you know what, God said that HE is the biggest, scariest and worst thing that can happen to you. God said don't fear the devil who can only take your life, fear me who can send you to the pit for eternity.

But I don't know eternity. I don't see or feel eternity. I see and feel world wide economic collapse. I fear uncertainty. I fear never seeing my children grow up, never getting the chance to have more children. I have read that this life is "looking through a glass darkly", but I don't KNOW this yet. So, I give the enemy entry into my life. I wind up The Princesses, I stress out The General. I worry, worry, worry and I plan, plan, plan. Is it all for nothing?

Which is worse, to see something coming and not prepare, do everything I can, sacrifice whatever I have to to not be found unprepared.....or to have faith that no matter what happens, no matter how little I am able to do in my strength...HIS strength will be enough, He will supply all our needs...or He will take us home?

You see, I am still at this stage with God, "Ok God, I trust you.....now let me duck for cover because I am afraid of what you are going to do to me!" I know HE loves me, I know HE cares for me, I KNOW HE DIED for me....but what will He require of me? What will I have to lose? What will I have to withstand? How far, how long, how hard will I have to trust? I can't do it. I am too scared. I know what is out there...prowling like a roaring lion...and I know that God will sometimes allow us to get thrown into the lion's den!

I want to have a testimony like Daniel's, but I don't want the lion's den. I am SCARED of the lion's den. Why, because it isn't just me anymore. I don't want The Princesses to go through the lion's den. I don't want them to see me get thrown in the lion's den...and possibly lose faith. I don't want them to be scared....

With all this end of the world stuff going on, I have been going back and forth, up and down. I have been serene, I have freaked. I have had faith, I have crumpled. I have sung...I have stressed. I want off this ride.

I want to know what Daniel's Mother did. See, when I read the book of Daniel I thought about how both the Jew's that were in rebellion and those that were not were all punished. All were overcome by the Babylonians. Only, Daniel and several other children were taken into the palace of a pagan king, given favor and served the Lord against the threat of death. MORE THAN ONCE.

Daniel wasn't raised by his parents, I don't know how old he was when he was taken away. I have no idea if his parents were killed or just that he wasn't allowed to see them. Maybe he was. Perhapse they were in rebellion and he was called by the Lord and followed him AWAY from his parents like I did. But I would like to think, they did something right and that I can too.

Daniel TRUSTED God, Daniel had FAITH in God, UNTO DEATH. He went to prayer, he didn't worry. He went into a lion's den and SURVIVED and that was a witness to a pagan king who then worshipped this God. Daniel's testimony, his life, his worship, his Faith was a testimony not only to an entire kingdom, but to millions and millions across time who have read his writings. Now, I bet a little suffering was nothing to him, a life spent in suspense was a small thing compared to what it has reaped.

Why can't I look at things this way...all the time. I see it, I try to prepare The Princesses for it, for a time without us. I try to feed their souls with a need for the Lord, for a love for His Holiness, for a Faith in him....that surpasses mine. But I don't think I can do it. Not that way. I have to SHOW them, LIVE It, BE what I want them to be. And, on my own here, I cannot do it. Maybe that is my problem right there. Maybe I keep putting other people's salvation on my shoulders. Maybe I keep forgetting who is God around here.

So Lord, lift me up, I am drowning in dark waters again. It is so easy for the enemy to trip me up, make me waste my time, make me drive others away from you. Help me Lord, make my time here worth something that I can take into eternity. Please, please let me take out enemy targets, let me cause irreparable damage, let me never call retreat. Let me die holding a sword, speaking your word, praising your name. And Please Lord, please, let my babies do the same.

Many Blessings :)
Ace